(Note: This article was published in “The Epistle” the quarterly magazine of St. Paul’s Anglican Church of Nicosia, year 2005)
An article of loving faith…
SO HOW MUCH REALLY IS TOO MUCH?
By Joy B. Miranda
“A CHEERFUL LOOK BRINGS JOY TO THE HEART, AND GOOD NEWS GIVES HEALTH TO THE BONES.� – Proverbs 15:30
I want to start off with an article about my brother Jun, whose physical existence was imprisoned by what is said to be, an incurable, strange illness. Recently, we chatted on the net like we had never spoken for years, and it made my tear ducts dry…coming from work each day, I think of how I could in anyway do something to at least lessen his tormenting hopelessness.
“I’m so tired Joy. I have thought of ending my life a number of times…a short walk even to the house’ toilet forges a strenuous energy and courage to do so. I hate it when I’m left at home, it is getting worse. Here they find it difficult to bring me along. I am sick of being useless!�
Jun used to be a happy kid, yet noticeably strict. Borne to have a pretty Spanish face and perfect physical attributes, I believed he was healthy. He was an ambitious and goal-oriented person. One night after his high school graduation, our dear father was shot dead…well, that is another sad story of life which I might also write sometime. I do not know how much pressure he was carrying after the tragic death of our father. What I knew was that I myself was deeply crushed by the sudden twist of fate in the family.
He studied at Ateneo De Davao University and took up BS Biology. Everything was okay with him, I guess, except that he knew, our father’s sudden demise had left us financially hard up. So in between classes he got himself a part time job until midnight. He woke up early to study, and then walked his way to the college everyday rain or shine. I knew he was determined to succeed in a goal he planned for himself then. Academically excellent, he used to be in the Dean’s List. Until one day, he noticed that he can not move his fingers…on examination day, he can not move the pen to write the answers, and so he failed, subject after subject. Nevertheless, he painstakingly managed to continue his studies as well as his part time work. He earned a degree in Business Administration, Marketing major.
I do not intend to open up old wounds, much more to talk about it. I just want to put them behind me. I mean to say, what I am at present is the result of what I chose to do after deciding not to dwell anymore on the tragic, unwanted events of the past. I realized that continually feeling sorry for all the harshness of life would just do me no good and bring me nowhere. I decided to be impassive. It somehow needs a huge amount of rejuvenated energy because wounds, (emotionally in this aspect), though healed by eventual acceptance, always leave a deep scar which reminds me of the pain. And what I am saying here is that, over the years, I have not overcome the agonizing fact that my dear brother Jun is suffering more than he can bear. Actually, it has been a long combat not against the illness itself but against denial…of denying to accept that he has this kind of tormenting battle of disbelief within him. I realized that what hit him in the past is still a part of his today. What he has become today is also a part of my everyday… God, if only I could take his place!
He got a nice executive job in a Real State business. Practically, the company believed that his vigorous dedication at work could bring him places. I used to visit his workplace which took me ten hours to travel and check how he was. I saw only pretense in his face, hiding how his physical condition deeply bothered him. He was enthusiastic about reporting to work everyday and sometimes unmindful if suddenly he would stand in the middle of the traffic for minutes because his legs, alternately, became too heavy for him to move and make a step.
What had started as finger numbness gradually became body paralysis. One week he could not feel anything on one half side of his head, and the other week, the other side. Then, it went down till it reached his legs which, as months passed on, became thinner and heavier. We sent him for check ups though, consulted a neurologist, underwent MRI scanning…there was nothing wrong with his brain or his bones. Negative medical findings from different sources in the early years were worrisome to some extent yet it did not impede his desire to reach his goal, ignoring our advice to quit his job. His spirit for work at that moment was insurmountable with a strong belief that one day he would become one of the best marketing managers in the land, if only…
However, after almost three years in the company, he quit, no, I figured, was forced to quit. And I mean, against his will. Later in 2001, the illness was diagnosed as Multiple Sclerosis. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) as explained, is an inflammatory disease of the Central Nervous System (CNS) – that’s the brain and spinal cord. Predominantly, it is a disease of the “white matter� tissue. The white matter tissue is made up of nerve fibres which are responsible for transmitting communication signals both internally within the CNS and between the CNS and the nerves supplying rest of the body. In people affected by MS, patches of damage called plaques or lesions appear in seemingly random areas of the CNS white matter. At the site of a lesion, a nerve insulating material, called myelin, is lost. In general, people with MS can experience partial or complete loss of any function that is controlled by, or passes through, the brain or spinal cord.
It has been 15 years since MS has maneuvered my brother’s young life. It stole his ambitions, robbed him of his dreams and deprived him of a normal and happy life. He may have lasted this long because he lives each day hoping to wake up next morning and find that the Multiple Sclerosis is gone. But now it has become worse. With a wrecked-spirit like his, there is nothing more devastating than to exist like a living dead, and there is no pain more powerfully excruciating than a soul wounded by pernicious depression and self-pity. It tears me apart each time I think of him expecting a miracle. As I love my brother so deeply, I could not bear seeing him suffer that much. But then, I sum up the whole situation as totally beyond any human capacity to comprehend. I feel his sufferings, even carry his own pain within me, if only that could give him comfort for a lifetime. As I end this article, I submit Jun’s hopelessness up to HIM who knows the answer and the SOLE cure to all this.
May Jun find reassurance in our love bestowed through prayers, and may God with His Divine Mercy bless Jun and keep him happy every single day of his un-walking life. Amen.